A Lesson in World History
January 24th 2007 21:16
At the beginning of 2003 I accompanied my friend Debra Xu to her hometown Shanghai, which made a lasting impression on me. One day as we were lounging in front of the TV and getting high on candy I suggested we play a word game - one where someone writes a sentence and leaves a couple of words on the next line with which the other composes their own... Here's what happened: [My side is in lime, Debra's is in fuschia, the adjoining text in bold.]
The apricots grew, undisturbed. One day, a gallant prince swept into the fields
and said : “I will bring your children syphilis and polio, and make them
become invincible! Free of mortal restraints, unrivaled in all the lands…
It so happened that George Bush had been abducted by aliens, during which
he was implanted with numerous handy household devices, the sort of thing you
can’t buy at Trust-Mart*. And so, it is only fair that the global economy
depended solely on grilled corn for nourishment. This was endemic to the culture and marveled at far and wide across
the world. It was so said that the mythical vat of fish balls could save the globe,
but it was also said that Jacko was a Whacko. Such a diversion pleased
no-one. (No-one) could tell the difference between Jeremy Irons and Eric Bana. The planet was fucked.
Then, descended, from the sky, a radiant prince! He had come to make war on the man who claimed invincibility. The state of affairs was indeed
hairy. Beautiful, George Bush thought, as he compared his own chest to the
glorious sight. He was so warmed to his heart’s core that he abandoned the war
and set off into the sunset in search of the magical boy band called Backstreet Hi-Five Sync Nuts. They galloped and galloped, until they met a tiny
dwarf who smuggled heroin across all nations! With this ally, the king was
able to forge many allies, including Sauron, Porky Pig and Che Guevara.
It was said that they always got together and baked cakes!
Giant, eclectic structures, which reminded one of phallic symbols. To make matters
worse, they vibrated every 10 minutes, making the kingdom very edgy. As a result,
stress build-up was severe amongst the townfolks. They often got together for relief orgies, which usually concerned 2 men, 2 women, a cow
and a giant canary. This addition was highly commended by all, and the canary’s figure was immortalized in gold. (In subsequent generations, the townspeople would come to view the canary as a symbol of tyranny and unspeakable evil.) The canary gave
the king hope, and his reign was characterized by the almost constant use of beer as diplomatic bribes. This encouraged many officials
to feel pleasant. This had an acute effect on spectators, who immediately demanded
plenty of pissheads along for the party. They would streak down
George St. for two hours, then abandoned the project. It was fruitless. And anyway, no other world would do for the happily thriving kingdom. King Dagamar was long remembered for his dealings.
*Trust-Mart is a Shanghainese superstore.
We were thoroughly amused. I then went into my room to pamper my darker purpose: To create a commentary. Read at your own level of incredulity, and let me know what you think:
We commence with what has since been deemed the epitome of rural tranquility by many- the humble, innocuous apricots freely growing in the wild. Alas, this simplistic picture of pastoral perfection was not to be, and is rudely disturbed by the obnoxious arrival of some booming authority figure with an unintelligible agenda…
As these things seem to occur, we just about whiplash into a time when prominent public figures undergo nothing short of plastic surgery and mutilation to achieve what would be desirable results.
I think the statement “And so, it is only fair that the world depended solely on grilled corn for nourishment,” speaks, admirably, for itself.
Quickly, cultural norms are established, and subsequently identified- the inevitable result of conflicting ideologies naturally being brought to light. The conflict depicted here, a vat of fish balls saving the world or Jacko being a whacko, tore deep into attempts to reach one indissoluble truth, and undermined the notion of an integrated, nation-wide psyche. But worse was yet to come… for the inability to distinguish between Eric Bana and Jeremy Irons indeed prompted a dubious entity referred to (perhaps in pseudonym?) as ‘a radiant prince’ to descend into a planet now in no uncertain way in the grips of tragedy! (The identity and exact purpose of this entity continues to be cloaked in mystery. Modern historians are led to infer that those who may make a big fuss on arrival and claim to be crucial to the history of the world may more than often fade into irrelevance.)
Increasingly irrelevant political figures offer speculations of an uncertain nature before abandoning even their flimsy vision in order to pursue the ultimate pop culture icon.
At this point it becomes clear that a hitherto unidentified force has been slowly but surely rising to prominence… It is ‘they’ are exposed, now, as the true movers and shakers, suddenly moving to the foreground of a tale previously dominated by the tyranny of authoritarian rule. Denied stature in the past, but now dramatically reasserting their influence, here the text introduces us to the true pioneers of society.
We are confronted by the consequences of social change: the humble dwarf, previously an unequivocal symbol of bucolic bliss, has now crossed socio-economic, hierarchial and psycho-sexual borders to emerge as a drug trafficker.
Conservative historian Jerry Cringo was quick to leap to fatalistic conclusions: “And from here, my friends, the story of the world is made indisputably clear- alcohol, drugs and orgies. That is all.” Gina Trazenberg, however will argue that these elements were present even during the over-romanticised apricot ‘Golden Years’, but merely simply concealed from sight, not documented and therefore not discussed.
It is a postmodern world indeed, in which neither the passage of time, political sensibilities or simulated realities can separate the entities of Sauron, Porky Pig and Che Guevara. Although these protagonists (or flawed heroes, as the case may be) share subversive underground connections, their incongruous union results leads to the inhabitation of a purely domestic setting.
“There would be nothing more tragic than to omit the ‘tragic flaw’ in history,” Alex Burksley writes. And the cakes they did vibrate… and a civilisation still only just emerging from its nascent stages of moral development responded in a way that oughtn’t to be excised from the annals of history. Interestingly, it seemed the sexual exploits, no matter how dubious or otherwise distasteful to a modern observer, appeared to enhance the royal vision. Not so commendably, this vision saw the influence of alcohol in passing bizarre minority votes and strange whims on behalf of the royalty of which one can only speculate.
At last we embark upon the modern day city site, whilst representative of significant technological growth and a flourishing economy, is nevertheless a new location for ungainly acts of nudity and defiance, the after-shock of a post-Dagamar culture. There is hope, however- the ‘exhibition’ was judged ‘fruitless’ by what appears to be a significant majority(?) of townspeople (here, the text is unobliging).
And now, many years after his reign, I am faced with the question of how to remember Dagamar. Surely we must not condemn him for his dubious approach to parliament, or define him purely by his idolatry of the giant canary alone? It is a textbook cliche to say that Dagamar, while hardly ruling with rigid righteousness, was in the possession of a big heart. Perhaps his period of stable but uneventful rule has made him less of a sought out figure in academic papers, but to overlook his contribution to history is to do it a grave injustice.
I maintain that is not a question of whether Dagamar was or was not a good king - it’s what he had to offer to generations of those who would inherit his legacy. And in the eyes of this historian, his ability to triumph over numerous self-important deities and opportunistic politicians, even unite the people despite the moral ambiguity of the ‘Whacko’ paradigm, and, dare I say it, rebuild society in the aftermath of the social upheaval of the Bana/Irons debacle, surely speak of a personality worth taking into account.
Bibliography:
Where, Oh, Where, Is The ‘Radiant Prince’ Now?
The Whacko Vs. Fishballs Debate, Vol. I: An introduction to the dialectic spanning centuries
The Grilled Corn Enthusiast
Little Men: Anthropological Accounts
*grin*
The apricots grew, undisturbed. One day, a gallant prince swept into the fields
become invincible! Free of mortal restraints, unrivaled in all the lands…
It so happened that George Bush had been abducted by aliens, during which
he was implanted with numerous handy household devices, the sort of thing you
can’t buy at Trust-Mart*. And so, it is only fair that the global economy
depended solely on grilled corn for nourishment. This was endemic to the culture and marveled at far and wide across
the world. It was so said that the mythical vat of fish balls could save the globe,
but it was also said that Jacko was a Whacko. Such a diversion pleased
no-one. (No-one) could tell the difference between Jeremy Irons and Eric Bana. The planet was fucked.
hairy. Beautiful, George Bush thought, as he compared his own chest to the
glorious sight. He was so warmed to his heart’s core that he abandoned the war
and set off into the sunset in search of the magical boy band called Backstreet Hi-Five Sync Nuts. They galloped and galloped, until they met a tiny
dwarf who smuggled heroin across all nations! With this ally, the king was
able to forge many allies, including Sauron, Porky Pig and Che Guevara.
It was said that they always got together and baked cakes!
Giant, eclectic structures, which reminded one of phallic symbols. To make matters
worse, they vibrated every 10 minutes, making the kingdom very edgy. As a result,
stress build-up was severe amongst the townfolks. They often got together for relief orgies, which usually concerned 2 men, 2 women, a cow
and a giant canary. This addition was highly commended by all, and the canary’s figure was immortalized in gold. (In subsequent generations, the townspeople would come to view the canary as a symbol of tyranny and unspeakable evil.) The canary gave
the king hope, and his reign was characterized by the almost constant use of beer as diplomatic bribes. This encouraged many officials
to feel pleasant. This had an acute effect on spectators, who immediately demanded
plenty of pissheads along for the party. They would streak down
George St. for two hours, then abandoned the project. It was fruitless. And anyway, no other world would do for the happily thriving kingdom. King Dagamar was long remembered for his dealings.
*Trust-Mart is a Shanghainese superstore.
We were thoroughly amused. I then went into my room to pamper my darker purpose: To create a commentary. Read at your own level of incredulity, and let me know what you think:
We commence with what has since been deemed the epitome of rural tranquility by many- the humble, innocuous apricots freely growing in the wild. Alas, this simplistic picture of pastoral perfection was not to be, and is rudely disturbed by the obnoxious arrival of some booming authority figure with an unintelligible agenda…
As these things seem to occur, we just about whiplash into a time when prominent public figures undergo nothing short of plastic surgery and mutilation to achieve what would be desirable results.
I think the statement “And so, it is only fair that the world depended solely on grilled corn for nourishment,” speaks, admirably, for itself.
Quickly, cultural norms are established, and subsequently identified- the inevitable result of conflicting ideologies naturally being brought to light. The conflict depicted here, a vat of fish balls saving the world or Jacko being a whacko, tore deep into attempts to reach one indissoluble truth, and undermined the notion of an integrated, nation-wide psyche. But worse was yet to come… for the inability to distinguish between Eric Bana and Jeremy Irons indeed prompted a dubious entity referred to (perhaps in pseudonym?) as ‘a radiant prince’ to descend into a planet now in no uncertain way in the grips of tragedy! (The identity and exact purpose of this entity continues to be cloaked in mystery. Modern historians are led to infer that those who may make a big fuss on arrival and claim to be crucial to the history of the world may more than often fade into irrelevance.)
Increasingly irrelevant political figures offer speculations of an uncertain nature before abandoning even their flimsy vision in order to pursue the ultimate pop culture icon.
At this point it becomes clear that a hitherto unidentified force has been slowly but surely rising to prominence… It is ‘they’ are exposed, now, as the true movers and shakers, suddenly moving to the foreground of a tale previously dominated by the tyranny of authoritarian rule. Denied stature in the past, but now dramatically reasserting their influence, here the text introduces us to the true pioneers of society.
We are confronted by the consequences of social change: the humble dwarf, previously an unequivocal symbol of bucolic bliss, has now crossed socio-economic, hierarchial and psycho-sexual borders to emerge as a drug trafficker.
Conservative historian Jerry Cringo was quick to leap to fatalistic conclusions: “And from here, my friends, the story of the world is made indisputably clear- alcohol, drugs and orgies. That is all.” Gina Trazenberg, however will argue that these elements were present even during the over-romanticised apricot ‘Golden Years’, but merely simply concealed from sight, not documented and therefore not discussed.
It is a postmodern world indeed, in which neither the passage of time, political sensibilities or simulated realities can separate the entities of Sauron, Porky Pig and Che Guevara. Although these protagonists (or flawed heroes, as the case may be) share subversive underground connections, their incongruous union results leads to the inhabitation of a purely domestic setting.
“There would be nothing more tragic than to omit the ‘tragic flaw’ in history,” Alex Burksley writes. And the cakes they did vibrate… and a civilisation still only just emerging from its nascent stages of moral development responded in a way that oughtn’t to be excised from the annals of history. Interestingly, it seemed the sexual exploits, no matter how dubious or otherwise distasteful to a modern observer, appeared to enhance the royal vision. Not so commendably, this vision saw the influence of alcohol in passing bizarre minority votes and strange whims on behalf of the royalty of which one can only speculate.
At last we embark upon the modern day city site, whilst representative of significant technological growth and a flourishing economy, is nevertheless a new location for ungainly acts of nudity and defiance, the after-shock of a post-Dagamar culture. There is hope, however- the ‘exhibition’ was judged ‘fruitless’ by what appears to be a significant majority(?) of townspeople (here, the text is unobliging).
And now, many years after his reign, I am faced with the question of how to remember Dagamar. Surely we must not condemn him for his dubious approach to parliament, or define him purely by his idolatry of the giant canary alone? It is a textbook cliche to say that Dagamar, while hardly ruling with rigid righteousness, was in the possession of a big heart. Perhaps his period of stable but uneventful rule has made him less of a sought out figure in academic papers, but to overlook his contribution to history is to do it a grave injustice.
I maintain that is not a question of whether Dagamar was or was not a good king - it’s what he had to offer to generations of those who would inherit his legacy. And in the eyes of this historian, his ability to triumph over numerous self-important deities and opportunistic politicians, even unite the people despite the moral ambiguity of the ‘Whacko’ paradigm, and, dare I say it, rebuild society in the aftermath of the social upheaval of the Bana/Irons debacle, surely speak of a personality worth taking into account.
Bibliography:
Where, Oh, Where, Is The ‘Radiant Prince’ Now?
The Whacko Vs. Fishballs Debate, Vol. I: An introduction to the dialectic spanning centuries
The Grilled Corn Enthusiast
Little Men: Anthropological Accounts
*grin*
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